Raising Up Your Children In Discipline
"While you need to be more fun than you think you do, you also need to be more strict than you think you do."
In the last post we discussed the fact that, as parents, we need to be more fun than we realize. For some of us, it was a really important reminder. You may major on discipline, obedience, and control but forget to just have fun with your kids. However, for others of you, having fun comes much more naturally. You love having fun with your kids. In fact, you relish the fact that you’re the “fun dad” or “fun mom.” This is why I want to offer a second, balancing encouragement:
While you need to be more fun than you think you do, you also need to be more strict than you think you do. The second of the three exhortations in this passage states that we are to bring up our children in the discipline of the Lord. Discipline, and the teaching of boundaries and consequences to our children, is a fundamental part of parenting, and one that we ignore even more than being fun. When you think about it, being fun is, well…fun. Discipline simply isn’t fun. Having a disobedient child isn’t fun, and administering discipline isn’t fun. However, it is incredibly important.
As one of my favorite proverbs says: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid” (Proverbs 12:1). There are also many proverbs that affirm the importance of parental discipline: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Proverbs 13:24). Now, I’m going to save the issue of spanking for another time, but I don’t want the fundamental point to be lost here: regardless of the form, loving parents discipline their children. A lack of discipline is not a fruit of love; it is a fruit of selfishness and laziness. Whenever I fail to discipline my children as I should, it is not because I care so much about them that I don’t want them to be unhappy, it’s because I think that something else I’m doing, or something else I want to do is more important than fostering in them the kind of respect and obedience that will save them from all kinds of far more serious consequences in the future.
This means that we need to push past our desire for our children to always like us, push past our busyness that gets in the way, and push past our laziness that demotivates us from taking the time to properly, lovingly, compassionately, and firmly discipline our children and love them through clear and consistent rules and consequences. When we set up clear expectations and consistent consequences for our kids, we set them up for success. I always know when my discipline has slipped or become inconsistent, because the tantrums increase, the disrespect spikes, and not only am I not enjoying life as much, but my kids aren’t enjoying it either. Discipline helps shape our children’s hearts in wisdom. It can’t save them, and it can’t be the ultimate answer for the problem of their sinful heart, but it can guard them from the much greater consequences of unchecked sinful habits that begin forming as soon as they can form thoughts.
Some of you may already be too strict with your kids, and you need to ask yourself whether or not your rules are provoking your children to anger (this is especially true as your children get older, and need to be treated as autonomous people who require the influence of your discipleship, not authority, more and more). But, especially in a culture where strict, consistent discipline is out of vogue, many of us will realize that to bring up your children in the discipline of the Lord, we may need to be more strict than we think we do.
In the last post we discussed the fact that, as parents, we need to be more fun than we realize. For some of us, it was a really important reminder. You may major on discipline, obedience, and control but forget to just have fun with your kids. However, for others of you, having fun comes much more naturally. You love having fun with your kids. In fact, you relish the fact that you’re the “fun dad” or “fun mom.” This is why I want to offer a second, balancing encouragement:
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." —Ephesians 6:4 ESV
While you need to be more fun than you think you do, you also need to be more strict than you think you do. The second of the three exhortations in this passage states that we are to bring up our children in the discipline of the Lord. Discipline, and the teaching of boundaries and consequences to our children, is a fundamental part of parenting, and one that we ignore even more than being fun. When you think about it, being fun is, well…fun. Discipline simply isn’t fun. Having a disobedient child isn’t fun, and administering discipline isn’t fun. However, it is incredibly important.
As one of my favorite proverbs says: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid” (Proverbs 12:1). There are also many proverbs that affirm the importance of parental discipline: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Proverbs 13:24). Now, I’m going to save the issue of spanking for another time, but I don’t want the fundamental point to be lost here: regardless of the form, loving parents discipline their children. A lack of discipline is not a fruit of love; it is a fruit of selfishness and laziness. Whenever I fail to discipline my children as I should, it is not because I care so much about them that I don’t want them to be unhappy, it’s because I think that something else I’m doing, or something else I want to do is more important than fostering in them the kind of respect and obedience that will save them from all kinds of far more serious consequences in the future.
This means that we need to push past our desire for our children to always like us, push past our busyness that gets in the way, and push past our laziness that demotivates us from taking the time to properly, lovingly, compassionately, and firmly discipline our children and love them through clear and consistent rules and consequences. When we set up clear expectations and consistent consequences for our kids, we set them up for success. I always know when my discipline has slipped or become inconsistent, because the tantrums increase, the disrespect spikes, and not only am I not enjoying life as much, but my kids aren’t enjoying it either. Discipline helps shape our children’s hearts in wisdom. It can’t save them, and it can’t be the ultimate answer for the problem of their sinful heart, but it can guard them from the much greater consequences of unchecked sinful habits that begin forming as soon as they can form thoughts.
Some of you may already be too strict with your kids, and you need to ask yourself whether or not your rules are provoking your children to anger (this is especially true as your children get older, and need to be treated as autonomous people who require the influence of your discipleship, not authority, more and more). But, especially in a culture where strict, consistent discipline is out of vogue, many of us will realize that to bring up your children in the discipline of the Lord, we may need to be more strict than we think we do.
