Provoking Your Children To Joy
"As a parent, you need to be more fun than you think you do."
We have spent the first three weeks (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) of this mini-series looking at the impact of forgiveness on parenting. Now we could move on to all sorts of different parenting principles, and innumerable situations where those principles apply. But I want to spend time over the next three weeks looking closely at one of the few clear exhortations in the New Testament directed specifically to parents. In Ephesians 6, after telling children to obey their parents (a verse many of us parents like to make sure our kids have memorized!), Paul gives us a verse that we desperately need to memorize, meditate on, and apply:
While directed specifically to fathers, the implications of this verse provide powerful guidance for both parents. The first principle I want to draw out of this passage is: As a parent, you need to be more fun than you think you do. “But, where is 'fun' in this passage?” you may ask. Let me explain. Not provoking your children is one of the more difficult calls to Christlikeness for the parent. No one knows how to get under your skin more skillfully than your kids. And, since God has given us a position of authority in our children’s lives, we are oftentimes tempted to use that authority not to do what’s best for our kids, but to get them to do what we want—by any means necessary—even if it means provoking them to anger.
Now, we ought to avoid the kind of parenting that pushes our kids towards explosive anger. But I also think it’s important to talk about the way that we can provoke our children to a more subtle, slow-burning anger: when we lord our authority over them and become the arbiters of “no” in their eyes. What I mean is this: what is the opposite of provoking your children to anger? In my experience, obeying this verse isn't about not provoking my kids to anger. It's about provoking my kids to something else: joy.
As those who provide a shadow of what the heavenly father is like to our children, we aren't just helping them avoid anger, but proactively working to inspire their joy. Every day you have countless opportunities to bless your kids by doing something that may not be the most efficient, predictable, or even most enjoyable for you…but it will provoke their joy. Every day we allow those opportunities to pass by because we’re tired, busy, or selfish. But raising your children in the Lord means more than just godly discipline and godly instruction. It also means experiencing godly joy with your kids, which is often just the willingness to have a little fun. So what if they eat some non-organic sugar tonight? Or stay up a bit past their bedtime? Or mess up your bed wrestling, or run through the house, or drive your wife nuts because they’re laughing so hard? We all need to be reminded that, while we need to stop our children from committing sin, that doesn’t mean we should stop them from having fun. In fact, we ought to be the instigators and promoters of fun. You may spend time thinking about what you can teach your kids about God, and that is incredibly important! But, do you also spend time thinking about how you can bring joy and excitement to your kids? These are questions I’ve realized need to be asked in my own house, because I fail so often to do so. For those of you who struggle like I do to be proactive in this way, and maybe are saying, “You can’t be your kids friend…you need to be their parent.” you’re right! But just because you need to be their parent doesn’t mean you can’t be a really fun one. You need to be more fun than you think you do. Parents, don’t provoke your kids to anger…provoke them to joy!
We have spent the first three weeks (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) of this mini-series looking at the impact of forgiveness on parenting. Now we could move on to all sorts of different parenting principles, and innumerable situations where those principles apply. But I want to spend time over the next three weeks looking closely at one of the few clear exhortations in the New Testament directed specifically to parents. In Ephesians 6, after telling children to obey their parents (a verse many of us parents like to make sure our kids have memorized!), Paul gives us a verse that we desperately need to memorize, meditate on, and apply:
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." – Ephesians 6:4 ESV
While directed specifically to fathers, the implications of this verse provide powerful guidance for both parents. The first principle I want to draw out of this passage is: As a parent, you need to be more fun than you think you do. “But, where is 'fun' in this passage?” you may ask. Let me explain. Not provoking your children is one of the more difficult calls to Christlikeness for the parent. No one knows how to get under your skin more skillfully than your kids. And, since God has given us a position of authority in our children’s lives, we are oftentimes tempted to use that authority not to do what’s best for our kids, but to get them to do what we want—by any means necessary—even if it means provoking them to anger.
Now, we ought to avoid the kind of parenting that pushes our kids towards explosive anger. But I also think it’s important to talk about the way that we can provoke our children to a more subtle, slow-burning anger: when we lord our authority over them and become the arbiters of “no” in their eyes. What I mean is this: what is the opposite of provoking your children to anger? In my experience, obeying this verse isn't about not provoking my kids to anger. It's about provoking my kids to something else: joy.
As those who provide a shadow of what the heavenly father is like to our children, we aren't just helping them avoid anger, but proactively working to inspire their joy. Every day you have countless opportunities to bless your kids by doing something that may not be the most efficient, predictable, or even most enjoyable for you…but it will provoke their joy. Every day we allow those opportunities to pass by because we’re tired, busy, or selfish. But raising your children in the Lord means more than just godly discipline and godly instruction. It also means experiencing godly joy with your kids, which is often just the willingness to have a little fun. So what if they eat some non-organic sugar tonight? Or stay up a bit past their bedtime? Or mess up your bed wrestling, or run through the house, or drive your wife nuts because they’re laughing so hard? We all need to be reminded that, while we need to stop our children from committing sin, that doesn’t mean we should stop them from having fun. In fact, we ought to be the instigators and promoters of fun. You may spend time thinking about what you can teach your kids about God, and that is incredibly important! But, do you also spend time thinking about how you can bring joy and excitement to your kids? These are questions I’ve realized need to be asked in my own house, because I fail so often to do so. For those of you who struggle like I do to be proactive in this way, and maybe are saying, “You can’t be your kids friend…you need to be their parent.” you’re right! But just because you need to be their parent doesn’t mean you can’t be a really fun one. You need to be more fun than you think you do. Parents, don’t provoke your kids to anger…provoke them to joy!
