Modeling Forgiveness as a Parent
"Every day you have opportunities to model forgiveness and the heart of God for your kids."
In my most recent post I talked about the need to extend forgiveness to our children, and to help teach them what biblical forgiveness is. But, as parents, we need to do much more than teach our children about forgiveness…we need to model it. It is undeniably true, your children will follow what you do far more than what you say. Even though my oldest child is only seven, I can already see the good habits and bad habits of both my wife and I taking shape in our four little sponges. They soak up everything we do, and even without trying they end up reflecting our actions back to us every single day. So if you want to teach your kids about forgiveness, you need to do more than just teach them about forgiveness. You must set an example for your children by modeling the forgiveness that you have received in Christ—for their sake, for your own sake, but most fundamentally for the glory of God.
As Christians, we don’t have the option of choosing not to forgive others, or not to seek reconciliation through forgiveness. Jesus makes this much clear in the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matt 18:21-35). Having been forgiven a lifetime of debt, the man in Jesus' story is condemned because of his unwillingness to forgive a debt worth only 100 days’ wages. He had been forgiven so much; he had no business refusing to forgive such a relatively insignificant amount. The same is true with us, even as parents. We must keep our eyes on the magnitude of what we’ve been forgiven, instead of staring at the magnitude of how we’ve been sinned against. As we do this, there are a number of ways we can model asking for and granting forgiveness to our kids. Let me mention just three.
First, you can consistently model your own need for forgiveness for your kids. The truth is, you’re a sinner. You still blow it and you still mess up…you’re still in need of forgiveness. Other than your spouse, your children are the people who know your shortcomings the best. They see it all.—even when you think they’re not looking. It’s not a surprise to them that you’re a sinner. What is surprising to them is when you teach them about the importance of forgiveness, but fail to consistently ask for it yourself. You’re going to need to be forgiven by those around you regularly. Make sure that you’re regularly asking for it. When you sin against your kids, seek reconciliation through their forgiveness of you.
Second, you can model forgiveness in your relationship with your spouse. My kids know that I sin against my wife and they know that my wife sins against me. Fortunately, they also know that we are regularly asking for and granting forgiveness to one another. Your marriage will form what your kids think adult relationships should be like. That may be a scary (or terrifying!) thought, but it doesn’t have to be. You’re not going to get it right, but you can help your children form a healthy idea of adult relationships. All it takes is simply recognizing sin in your marriage and modeling God's solution: mercy and gospel-motivated, gospel-defined forgiveness.
Lastly, you have a unique opportunity to model a gracious and merciful heart in how you deal with problems in other relationships. When you have problems with neighbors, co-workers, or customer service people, what do you model regarding those who Scripture might even call your “enemies?” The New Testament calls us to forgive those “enemies” who confess and repent their sin against us, but for those “enemies” who refuse to admit their wrongdoing it calls us to proactively love them, and hold our forgiveness out, graciously ready to grant it, if they ever confess. We are not called to take revenge on our “enemies,” but instead are to heap grace and mercy on them, demonstrating the love we have received in Christ (Rom 12:14-21). Is this what your kids see when you are in a disagreement or are bothered by someone?
Every day you have opportunities to model forgiveness and the heart of God for your kids. Teach them during your time in the Word, or during your family devotions, teach them in the numerous teachable moments that arise throughout the day, but if you truly want them to grasp what forgiveness is, you’re going to need to do more than just teach them…you must model your teaching as well…because, like it or not, they’re watching, and they’re becoming just like you.
In my most recent post I talked about the need to extend forgiveness to our children, and to help teach them what biblical forgiveness is. But, as parents, we need to do much more than teach our children about forgiveness…we need to model it. It is undeniably true, your children will follow what you do far more than what you say. Even though my oldest child is only seven, I can already see the good habits and bad habits of both my wife and I taking shape in our four little sponges. They soak up everything we do, and even without trying they end up reflecting our actions back to us every single day. So if you want to teach your kids about forgiveness, you need to do more than just teach them about forgiveness. You must set an example for your children by modeling the forgiveness that you have received in Christ—for their sake, for your own sake, but most fundamentally for the glory of God.
As Christians, we don’t have the option of choosing not to forgive others, or not to seek reconciliation through forgiveness. Jesus makes this much clear in the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matt 18:21-35). Having been forgiven a lifetime of debt, the man in Jesus' story is condemned because of his unwillingness to forgive a debt worth only 100 days’ wages. He had been forgiven so much; he had no business refusing to forgive such a relatively insignificant amount. The same is true with us, even as parents. We must keep our eyes on the magnitude of what we’ve been forgiven, instead of staring at the magnitude of how we’ve been sinned against. As we do this, there are a number of ways we can model asking for and granting forgiveness to our kids. Let me mention just three.
First, you can consistently model your own need for forgiveness for your kids. The truth is, you’re a sinner. You still blow it and you still mess up…you’re still in need of forgiveness. Other than your spouse, your children are the people who know your shortcomings the best. They see it all.—even when you think they’re not looking. It’s not a surprise to them that you’re a sinner. What is surprising to them is when you teach them about the importance of forgiveness, but fail to consistently ask for it yourself. You’re going to need to be forgiven by those around you regularly. Make sure that you’re regularly asking for it. When you sin against your kids, seek reconciliation through their forgiveness of you.
Second, you can model forgiveness in your relationship with your spouse. My kids know that I sin against my wife and they know that my wife sins against me. Fortunately, they also know that we are regularly asking for and granting forgiveness to one another. Your marriage will form what your kids think adult relationships should be like. That may be a scary (or terrifying!) thought, but it doesn’t have to be. You’re not going to get it right, but you can help your children form a healthy idea of adult relationships. All it takes is simply recognizing sin in your marriage and modeling God's solution: mercy and gospel-motivated, gospel-defined forgiveness.
Lastly, you have a unique opportunity to model a gracious and merciful heart in how you deal with problems in other relationships. When you have problems with neighbors, co-workers, or customer service people, what do you model regarding those who Scripture might even call your “enemies?” The New Testament calls us to forgive those “enemies” who confess and repent their sin against us, but for those “enemies” who refuse to admit their wrongdoing it calls us to proactively love them, and hold our forgiveness out, graciously ready to grant it, if they ever confess. We are not called to take revenge on our “enemies,” but instead are to heap grace and mercy on them, demonstrating the love we have received in Christ (Rom 12:14-21). Is this what your kids see when you are in a disagreement or are bothered by someone?
Every day you have opportunities to model forgiveness and the heart of God for your kids. Teach them during your time in the Word, or during your family devotions, teach them in the numerous teachable moments that arise throughout the day, but if you truly want them to grasp what forgiveness is, you’re going to need to do more than just teach them…you must model your teaching as well…because, like it or not, they’re watching, and they’re becoming just like you.
