Forgiveness-Saturated Parenting
"Just as forgiveness is the foundation of my relationship with my heavenly Father, forgiveness must be the foundation of my relationship with my children."
What is it that is foundational to my relationship with God? This question keeps coming up as I consider the nature of my relationship with my children. I call God my Father. He calls me his child. So, what does it mean for me to function as a father to the children God has entrusted to me? How can my fatherhood most accurately reflect God’s Fatherhood?
These kinds of questions can be overwhelming. When I ask them, all of the ways that I fail to be a father like God is a Father come flooding into my mind. I think of how he acts with me, and then I think of some of my worst moments with my kids, and I begin to imagine how messed up my kids are going to be. I realize how far short I fall, and I realize how unlike God some of my reactions can be.
But then, I remember the magnitude of his grace. I remember that he has forgiven me for all of the ways I do fall short, and for all of the ways that I will fall short in the future. I remember that at the foundation of my relationship with God—in fact the only reason my relationship with God is possible—is his glorious forgiveness. And now we’re getting somewhere. Of all of the ways that I’m called to reflect my heavenly Father in my fatherhood (or motherhood, for my female readers) is to teach my kids about the foundational nature of forgiveness.
Just as forgiveness is the foundation of my relationship with my heavenly Father, forgiveness must be the foundation of my relationship with my children. I need to teach my children what is right and what is wrong. I need to teach my children what is acceptable and what is a sin. But I also need to teach my children what God is like by continually, repeatedly, and consistently offering them forgiveness and grace when they blow it…as they most assuredly will.
So, what does it mean to offer my children forgiveness? It must mean more than just telling them “It’s ok”…or “I forgive you.” We must teach them what we mean when we tell them that we forgive them. And in order to teach them what it means…first you have to know what you mean by it! Here is a helpful definition:
When you tell your children that you forgive them, you need to affirm to them that you are making a commitment. God has made a commitment to you to no longer hold your sin against you, and that is the commitment you are making to your children. You’re committing to not bring what they did up anymore and you’re committing to not dwell on it yourself.
Secondly, you can only make this commitment if they have confessed what they did wrong and asked for forgiveness. Since you constantly come to God asking for forgiveness, the best way to lead your kids towards that type of relationship with God is to teach them how to constantly come to you asking for forgiveness.
Finally, you (and they) need to recognize that forgiveness does not eliminate all consequences for their actions. You can forgive the burglar of your house, but they may still end up in jail. You can forgive the person who rear ended you, but that doesn’t magically fix your car. Similarly, you can forgive your children, while still teaching them that certain actions come with predictable consequences. This could be a spanking for disobedience or getting grounded for being disrespectful. If the consequences are clear, consistent, and known ahead of time, then they aren't a sign that you are withholding forgiveness. Instead, they are a way of teaching children that sin has consequences, even when they are forgiven. We should not discipline in place of forgiveness—that’s not discipline, it’s punishment. While we are called to bring our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, we are not licensed to dole out punishment.
We are called to extend to our children one of the most precious gifts our heavenly Father has given us: beautiful forgiveness. As I teach my kids about the nature of forgiveness, and extend it to them consistently, I not only get to be reconciled to them, but give them a better picture of what their Heavenly Father is like too.
What is it that is foundational to my relationship with God? This question keeps coming up as I consider the nature of my relationship with my children. I call God my Father. He calls me his child. So, what does it mean for me to function as a father to the children God has entrusted to me? How can my fatherhood most accurately reflect God’s Fatherhood?
These kinds of questions can be overwhelming. When I ask them, all of the ways that I fail to be a father like God is a Father come flooding into my mind. I think of how he acts with me, and then I think of some of my worst moments with my kids, and I begin to imagine how messed up my kids are going to be. I realize how far short I fall, and I realize how unlike God some of my reactions can be.
But then, I remember the magnitude of his grace. I remember that he has forgiven me for all of the ways I do fall short, and for all of the ways that I will fall short in the future. I remember that at the foundation of my relationship with God—in fact the only reason my relationship with God is possible—is his glorious forgiveness. And now we’re getting somewhere. Of all of the ways that I’m called to reflect my heavenly Father in my fatherhood (or motherhood, for my female readers) is to teach my kids about the foundational nature of forgiveness.
Just as forgiveness is the foundation of my relationship with my heavenly Father, forgiveness must be the foundation of my relationship with my children. I need to teach my children what is right and what is wrong. I need to teach my children what is acceptable and what is a sin. But I also need to teach my children what God is like by continually, repeatedly, and consistently offering them forgiveness and grace when they blow it…as they most assuredly will.
So, what does it mean to offer my children forgiveness? It must mean more than just telling them “It’s ok”…or “I forgive you.” We must teach them what we mean when we tell them that we forgive them. And in order to teach them what it means…first you have to know what you mean by it! Here is a helpful definition:
Forgiveness is a commitment to not hold against someone the sin they have committed against you, in light of their repentance and willingness to accept the consequences of their actions.
When you tell your children that you forgive them, you need to affirm to them that you are making a commitment. God has made a commitment to you to no longer hold your sin against you, and that is the commitment you are making to your children. You’re committing to not bring what they did up anymore and you’re committing to not dwell on it yourself.
Secondly, you can only make this commitment if they have confessed what they did wrong and asked for forgiveness. Since you constantly come to God asking for forgiveness, the best way to lead your kids towards that type of relationship with God is to teach them how to constantly come to you asking for forgiveness.
Finally, you (and they) need to recognize that forgiveness does not eliminate all consequences for their actions. You can forgive the burglar of your house, but they may still end up in jail. You can forgive the person who rear ended you, but that doesn’t magically fix your car. Similarly, you can forgive your children, while still teaching them that certain actions come with predictable consequences. This could be a spanking for disobedience or getting grounded for being disrespectful. If the consequences are clear, consistent, and known ahead of time, then they aren't a sign that you are withholding forgiveness. Instead, they are a way of teaching children that sin has consequences, even when they are forgiven. We should not discipline in place of forgiveness—that’s not discipline, it’s punishment. While we are called to bring our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, we are not licensed to dole out punishment.
We are called to extend to our children one of the most precious gifts our heavenly Father has given us: beautiful forgiveness. As I teach my kids about the nature of forgiveness, and extend it to them consistently, I not only get to be reconciled to them, but give them a better picture of what their Heavenly Father is like too.
